Ten albums I can never do without.

Last week, my number one internet feeling, Autostraddle, did a piece asking “What are the top ten albums you can’t live without?” Being the sucker that I am for list type things, and also they asked “hey what are yours?” and I can’t deny answering such questions in great detail – I decided I would take to my own blog and do one of my very own! And no, I can’t put them in a specific order because that just makes a tricky task all the more difficult.

The Beatles – The Beatles (The White Album)
It’d be really easy for The Beatles to populate at least half of this list. If it were top fifteen then I’d effortlessly fill those slots with Abbey Road, Revolver, Rubber Soul, Let it Be and Sgt. Peppers. But as it is not, I had to make the difficult decision of narrowing it down to one Beatles album. And really, in the end, it was fairly easy. The White Album features some of the best of the Beatles, and it’s a bonus that it’s double the length of an average album. From the sleepy and tender movements of Julia and Blackbird to the flat out rock and roll songs like Helter Skelter, it’s a truly all encompassing and beautiful album.
Favourite tracks: Julia, Cry Baby Cry and While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Tegan and Sara – The Con
In my initial assessment, I listed So Jealous, but after some quiet time in the car with The Con I quickly remembered that it is a completely perfect album and I love every second of it. For as much as I love So Jealous and as much as it will always mean to me, I simply couldn’t do without some of the best songs TRQ and SKQ have ever written. Part of what makes it so great is that instead of sticking with the same formula that was working so beautifully for them, they went out on a couple new limbs, especially with Are You Ten Years Ago. The Con has it all. It makes me want to cry, laugh, sing out loud, dance and just close my eyes and dissolve.
Favourite tracks: The Con, Burn Your Life Down and Nineteen

AFI – The Art of Drowning
The Art of Drowning holds a very special place in my heart because it was the first AFI album I ever heard or bought and it changed me completely. It was released before they really blew up on the radio so it seems to have the tiniest bit more integrity than what’s come after it (though don’t get me wrong, I love them all – even Crash Love). There’s just something about it that was perfect in a messy sort of way. It was faster, heavier and rawer than anything since. There was an authenticity in Davey’s throaty screams and background shouting vocals. If I could only ever have one AFI album and abandon all others, this is the one I’d keep.
Favourite tracks: Wester, The Lost Souls, Ever and a Day

Jewel – Spirit
Kristi laughs at me for cherishing this cd as much as I do, but the fact is… I really love Jewel. I always have and the mood to be thirteen again and cry that my hands are small, I know, will probably forever strike me. This album carried me through my abnormally challenging teenage years and was a constant source of inspiration and strength. In fact, there’s times when it still is. Jewel’s ethereal voice and beautifully crafted lyrics were what carved out a place for her inside my chest and it’s the enduring quality of Spirit that will always hold her there.
Favourite tracks: Enter From the East, Jupiter, Absence of Fear

Ani DiFranco – Revelling/Reckoning
The truth is, I could do without the first disc, Revelling, entirely. In fact, I’ve hardly ever listened to it but a few times. As much as it’d pain me to be without some of Ani’s best songs like Untouchable Face, Dilate, Anyday and Both Hands; the ones I could never do without are the ones on the second disc, Reckoning. This blue cd was another that pulled me through my more formative years. It carried me along by giving me a place to store my tears and rage, all my emotion and apathy. The way she painfully sings the chorus: “You are a miracle, but that is not all. You are also a stiff drink, and I am on call. You are a party and I am a school night. And I’m looking for my door key, but you are my porch light.” is a moment of time that I always feel to my centre, no matter how many times I’ve listened to it (and believe me, it’s been hundreds).  And after all these years and all those plays, that surely says something about how pristine it all is.
Favourite tracks: School Night, So What

Bright Eyes – Letting Off the Happiness
My goodness, I was a highly emotional teenager. And when I was feeling a particularly overwhelming rush of them, it was Conor Oberst I turned to. His imperfect, trembling vocals sang pure poetry. Literally, some of the most perfect combinations of words I have ever read or heard. I don’t listen to him much anymore, but this collection of love, pain, loss and sex will forever remain one of my favourite albums of all time.
Favourite tracks: The Difference in the Shades, June on the West Coast and A Poetic Retelling of an Unfortunate Seduction

Portishead – Dummy
I bought this album because I read in a Star Wars magazine that it was Natalie Portman’s favourite at the time. I’d never in my life heard of this band, but if my one true love Natalie Portman loved them, then obviously I needed to as well. What I heard was a little shocking at first (at this point, all I listened to was *NSync, Cher and dcTalk. I had not yet developed a mature and robust taste in music), but I saturated myself with the heavy beats and Beth Gibbons’ beautiful voice. I soon realised that I wanted to suffocate and drown in its thickness. Thickness, that’s the perfect way to describe Portishead’s music. It’s rich, heavy and solid and it pours over me like honey.
Favourite tracks: Roads, It Could Be Sweet and Sour Times

George Harrison – Let It Roll
Sometimes, how much I love George Harrison makes me want to cry. He is my favourite Beatle and there’s no question that I’d willingly never listen to John Lennon’s Double Fantasy ever again, as long as I always have George. His mysticism really speaks to the deepest parts of me and I feel complete peace when I spend time with him. Let it Roll is the perfect compilation, better than All Things Must Pass, because it has favourites as well as the one song I never want to do without in my life.
Favourite tracks: Give Me Love (Give Me Peace on Earth), Blow Away and All Things Must Pass

Lydia – This December, It’s One More and I’m Free
Lydia is perfect in a different way than most things are. The vocals sometimes tend to almost blend together in a way that they’re difficult to understand. But there’s a moment when you actually hear what is being sung and it breaks you with its beauty.  Lydia is also the ideal music for a rainy night. There’s just something about the quality of this cd that says “if it’s raining, this is the only thing that makes sense to listen to.” Maybe it’s the gloom that comes with a grey sky and the way it’s reflected in lyrics like “I’m tasting nothing but four words, ‘please don’t leave me.’” But whatever it is, it doesn’t matter. If asphalt is wet, this is what I’m singing. Lydia’s newest album, Illuminate, is beautiful – but it could never hold a candle to This December for me.
Favourite tracks: December, Its In Your Blood and Smile, You’ve Won

Radiohead – OK Computer
Wasn’t this pretty much everyone’s first Radiohead? Cause it was mine. Even up next to the brilliant opus that was In Rainbows, OK Computer remains, in my opinion, their best release. It brought a sort of understanding to me – not necessarily understanding for any particular thing – just a sort of calm knowledge that settled over me. It’s another album, like Dummy, that is thick and heavy and pours slowly over me the way honey drips off of a spoon.
Favourite tracks: Climbing Up the Walls, Exit Music [For a Film] and Lucky

So there it is. My evening at work is passed and my entire head aches because I can’t stop unconsciously grinding and clenching my teeth. It’s awful. If you’ve made it thus to the end, ever present reader (you’re still there right? were you ever there at all?), what are the ten albums you could never live without? Don’t worry; I don’t expect you to be as loquacious as I am.

My nerves will be the death of me, I know.

It’s rare that a musician sounds better live than they do on albums. They usually sound different, obviously. But live usually tends to sound a bit rawer, a bit more flawed. There’s nothing wrong with this, of course, its part of why going to concerts is so great. It’s just that, in my experience at least, live is never as exquisite as that first time your cd player grabs the disc and the sounds flush out your speakers.

That is, at least, until we saw City and Colour this weekend. I’ve been to a lot of really amazing concerts – seen some really incredible performers – but in truth, I have never heard someone sound so flawless.  I’ve never listened to Alexisonfire so I can’t speak for that aspect of his musicianship, but anyone who has listened to City and Colour (and has any decent taste in music) knows that Dallas Green has an incredible voice. But there was something about the way he sounded in The Henry Fonda Theatre that was completely soul shaking. He was crystal clear, delicate, smooth, strong and immaculate. It has ruined the records for me, in truth.

Also, I want to mention for a moment, the curious case of the Dallas Green fan boy. At a concert with this type of “sensitive,” acoustic music, one would think the crowd would be lots of ladies. But on the contrary, we were surrounded by boys wearing beanies, black glasses and sporting very impressive, manly beards. It was literally a testosterone party. And that’s cool and all, but these boys are literally in love with this guy. It’s amusing really, because as much as I really like his music and as positively adorable as he was, I don’t find myself all squishy for him. Yet every single boy in the room was completely giggly over him. It was cute, actually. Kristi says they all just want to be him (which I get. If I were a boy who could grow a really amazing beard [which I would do if I were a boy], I’d totally want to be him as well), but I think that really… they’re all super, super gay for Dallas Green. Its okay boys, I understand.

The video itself is shoddy quality but oh, just listen..

Regarding Arizona, briefly.

I think it’s fair to say that our trip to Arizona was an overall success. And oh, what a relief that is. In the weeks leading up to it, I couldn’t alleviate my growing anxiety. Anxiety over meeting my Poppa’s wife for the first time; for seeing my mom and how she would treat Kristi and I, as well as how seeing how sick she truly is; and for seeing my brother who usually tends to come off a little intense. I’ve always been a fairly calm person, not prone to extreme expressions of emotion; and the longer I’m with Kristi, the more time I spend with her family, the more mellow I get. Sometimes I’m not really sure how my mom and brother are my blood because for the most part, we are very little alike when it comes to personality. But in the end, everything went quite smoothly.

We flew out Tuesday afternoon and it was Kristi’s first time flying. Her mom always told her never to fly because it would crash. I suspect that is because her mom was awesome and listened to too much Buddy Holly and Ritchie Valens, who died in the same plane crash. Fortunately though, except for some turbulence mid-flight which had her pretty spooked, the flight was fine and I think in time, I’ll even be able to get her to fly to New York. Meeting my grandfather’s wife, Xin, was wonderful. They’ve been married for nearly two and a half years and it seemed so ridiculous that it took that long for us to meet. But I was very happy to see what a truly sweet person she is and how she cares for my grandfather. Who knew that there were two women in the world who would peel his fruit – and he’d be lucky enough to marry them both. Our time with them was very short, but it was really spectacular.

He drove us up to Prescott Valley on Wednesday morning and we stopped for breakfast at the Cracker Barrel. We talked about politics (how did such a republican marry such a democrat that was my gramma?), the Beatles (george is his favourite too), lots about Xin (his favourite subject), and my mom (i think we are the only ones who completely understand each other’s perspectives). That drive and conversation with him was the best part of those so fast and long two days.

Every time I see my brother Luke, it’s like seeing a new person. When I moved to California almost six years ago, he was a tall but skinny kid with a mullet. And now he towers above me at six feet tall, with hair down past his shoulders and is a solid, huge mass of muscle. He’s quiet and gentle and compassionate in a way that he wasn’t even three years ago. His artistic ability has grown and changed so much that I almost couldn’t believe the things he’d drawn. With all the things he’s been through, it amazes me that he’s grown into such a tender and level-headed guy. I’m so incredibly proud of him and I truly hope he knows that.

However, seeing my mom was a mixture of sadness and goodness. She came running out to me, all hair and eye shadow and not much more. She’s so incredibly skinny that I just know inside me that anorexia has claimed her again. It’s devastating to see this… ghost of my mother say that, at a size two, she needs to lose even more weight. Arms so thin my fingers can close around them, body so small my arms could wrap around her a time and a half, ribs. The hardest part is knowing that somewhere underneath all of it, my mom is still there. It’s just been such a long time since we’ve seen her that I hardly remember her, and I’m sure Luke doesn’t at all. We’ll have her back someday soon, right? Won’t we?

Our time with them was only an afternoon but it’s always nice to go back home and see how things have changed, and see familiar, memory laden things. We drove into town and got dinner at Thaifoon (which is the only good thai food i’ve found [it doesn’t exist in Bakersfield], i used to eat it at least twice a week when i lived at home), and went and bought a ton of incense (which we also can’t find here).  Before we left, mom was giving me a haircut (which has turned out to be the butchest thing I’ve ever had on my head) and a little bird flew into the house. It was scared and flying all around the dining room and kitchen, landing on a fan blade for a moment before trying to find escape again. Luke was trying to gently catch it so that he could put it back outside. It eventually found its way out, but a few minutes later, it was back. After a minute, Luke came to us, holding it in his hands wrapped in a blanket. It was dead and he was so quiet. We moved to the bathroom and he came in after about ten minutes – his back was wet because it was raining a little and his face was wet because he cried burying it. I hugged him so tight and told him that it was okay, trying my best to make him believe that he wasn’t bad because of an accident when he was trying to help. As I sat there, I looked at him standing in the corner with his face red, trying not to sob aloud. He wasn’t this eighteen year old guy anymore for me then, he was just my baby brother and I loved him. And then I knew for certain that – despite everything he’s been through, especially in the last few years – that he is going to be okay.

We said our goodbyes an hour later than we intended to and drove Luke home on our way out. We left for home in my new truck and ran into a little bit of rain, a little bit of snow and a lot of wind. Although our visit was very short, it was nice. My mom talked with us about our desire to have a baby soon, she kept saying “the wedding,” and she repeatedly grabbed Kristi’s hand and kissed her ring. So I guess in the end, she can have that PFLAG award for outstanding parental support. But now I just need her to get better. Get better, be happy, and live. That’s all I want for all of us.

Thoughts on marriage and Disneyland.

There are a few big regrets I have in regards to my relationship with Kristi. Most of them we don’t talk about because it will more than likely turn into hurt feelings and/or a fight. But perhaps the biggest is that I didn’t take advantage of the law before the passage of Proposition 8 last November. Somehow I had the delusion that it wouldn’t pass and that we had limitless amounts of time to get legally married. Although we live in what is perhaps the most conservative, Sarah Palin loving, cowboy filled counties in the state of California, we still live in California. And California is a state that I always thought (when I didn’t live here) was one of those really progressive places that was stuffed to all borders with gays and liberals and alternative thought. I mean, Los Angeles is full of all the bleeding heart celebrities and San Francisco is… well. Even though I saw Yes on 8 stickers and yard signs on every street we drove down, I had the idealistic vision that it was, for the most part, restricted to Kern County. Obviously though, I was painfully wrong.

It’s not that I didn’t want to get married at all. Because I did. It’s just that (other than not being convinced that time was of the essence) I wasn’t ready. I don’t quite know how to explain that in a way that it will make sense and also not paint me to be a complete asshole at the same time. I just know that I wasn’t. I wasn’t mentally prepared or mature enough, even at 24, to not be petrified by the thought. Even though I wasn’t equipped to make that step, it was still a crushing defeat, one that I did feel to my core.

However, legal limitations did not stop me from proposing to Kristi this week. It was something that I, once upon a time, did not ever think that I would do. But I’ve fallen in love with her all over again the past year and am happier than I have ever been, and it just made sense. The thought of spending the rest of my life with someone, her, made sense and wasn’t scary at all. In fact, it’s so not scary to me anymore that it’s something I want to get started on right away. I will never forget in that moment how my heart beat in my throat, how her eyes grew wet, how she kissed me a hundred times. We sat on the couch, it was just after midnight making it officially our anniversary, we had just finished watching the Dexter season finale (romantic..?) and my head was still tipsy from three glasses of cabernet sauvignon. It wasn’t quite how I had planned it out in my head for the previous three weeks – but in that moment, every plan I’d ever had ceased to matter.  The only thing that mattered was Kristi and making her happy.

I was on the phone with my mom yesterday afternoon and Kristi chimed in, “Did you tell your mom you asked me to marry you?” I caught my breath a moment. Talking with my mom about the gay things about my life makes me nervous. Even though she has changed in amazing ways since I first came out, I can still never quite tell what her reaction will be. In fact, after gay marriage was first legalised, she actually wrote me an email telling me not “to do that.”  I’m always afraid that I will get a rude response, something along the lines of “Are you sure you want to do that?” Or that she will make another comment about finding a man. Not that she necessarily says things like that anymore. But she still does every now and then say things like “..enough to make you straight.” Like, okay mom whatever. But when she heard Kristi in the background, I didn’t really have much of a choice but to tell her then. Not that I didn’t want her to know, I was just hesitant about her reaction. However, after I said that I’d asked Kristi to marry me, she was silent for a beat and then said she was so happy for us.

It made me realise that I guess I ought to give her a little bit more credit when it comes to these things. I’m not ready to give her the PFLAG award for outstanding parental support just yet though. We’re going to Arizona for a short visit in just two weeks and it will be the first time we’ve seen her since our last trip, which was almost three years ago for very good reason. The reason being that (to sum up a long, painful week) our first visit was thick with dirty looks and unfriendly comments. As I’ve said, she has come a very long way since then. But this time I refuse to not hold my girlfriend’s hand in public or to not put my arm around her sitting on the couch. So I guess the true test of her tolerance will be her reaction to seeing those things. I’m optimistic about it and don’t necessarily expect her to be insensitive towards us, however I can’t help but feel a bit nervous. After all; if you smack a dog on the snout even once, he is sure to flinch the next time you reach for him.

Earlier this month I started a new project. It’s the same thing that people do all the time – where they take a photo every day. 365 days, 365 pictures. I’m not sure why I decided to do it. Kristi is always saying that we never take enough pictures, which is true. Sure we have plenty of pictures from times we go to Disneyland or other various out of town trips we take. But we always miss the normal day to day things. Pictures of each other looking cute or doing silly things, the cats sleeping with their tongues out or something beautiful found outside. So far I’ve been at it for about two weeks, haven’t missed a day and am a few pictures ahead of the game. I’ve just been having so much fun at it. Finding something that would make an interesting picture, coming up with a little anecdote to accompany it. The link can be found over there to the right under “threesixty5ive” (stupid wordpress for not having “threesixtyfive” available).  But here’s one now anyway.

We’re going to Disneyland tomorrow to celebrate our anniversary. It’s sure to be a special and magical time. It always is, after all. Having grown up in Arizona, I’d never experienced the Magic Kingdom until after I had moved to California, which didn’t even happen until I was nineteen. So I was twenty-one before I ever felt the agony of hiking the hill to Space Mountain or was washed in that perfect, musty smell that comes when walking into Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones. Having grown up here, however, Kristi went all the time with her mom; so she isn’t quite happy unless we make the drive down to Anaheim at least twice a year. Our last visit was in April, so we’re certainly due for another. I’ve never been in the winter so I have yet to experience all the decorations, holiday treats, snow and the general excess of magical festive feelings. My primary goals for this visit remain the same as they do every time we go: purchase as many of those delicious, chocolate drizzled macaroons as I possibly can; and find Mary Poppins. I always need to find Mary Poppins. Oh, and avoid the tea cups as long as possible.

We’re starting 2010 practically perfect in every way (like Mary herself!) and I can’t wait to see where it all takes us. Officially engaged, a possible trip to New York to see my family, the momentous five year anniversary, hopefully a new house, hopefully a baby (please, oh PLEASE a baby!!), and every day filled with tenderness and heart. Happy New Year, friends. I hope you are all as happy as I am.

Saturn has a ring around you.

It’s hard for me to believe that I wrote this nearly two years ago. I miss my friend. And I still ache inside when I think of him.

01.28.08
yesterday i woke up to a myspace message from jason medlin… telling me that matt nicholas died in is sleep that morning. my heart dropped out of my chest and once a couple minutes had gone by, and my mind processed the information, i burst into tears. this was not a man any of us could afford to lose. he was so… amazing and so wonderful. i can only imagine how his wife will feel, waking up today and knowing he is gone.

i sent mom a text to tell her the news. she called me an hour later in sobs. she was literally weeping. i simply didn’t know what to say to her. part of me feels like he wasn’t that big a part of my life. but that must be because it’s been so long since the last time i’d seen or spoken to him. but when i think back to our time at living faith – most of my memories include him. every concert i went to, every activity with the youth group, every sunday morning service. matt is always there, in all those memories. when i think of matt nicholas, i think of indian buffet after church, and him red-faced and sweating from the spices in the chicken. i think of going to denny’s after an evening service, and hanging out for hours drinking coffee, eating pie and talking. i think of driving to phoenix for concerts – and the night chrishna came.. and he sat in the car for three hours so we could spend time together. but mostly, matt is to me as he was the first time i ever saw him, as i will always remember him. matt is the man, on his knees, with his arms reached toward heaven and his eyes closed, singing and praying with everything in him.

matt was never once judgmental or critical of people. he was never bitter for things in his past. what matt was, however, was caring and loving and passionate. he was funny, he was sweet, he was enthusiastic and he was always excited for something. it breaks my heard that i hadn’t spoken to him in so long. years. i will always wish that i had taken the opportunity while i had it, to tell him how much i loved him, how amazing he was, and how much he always meant to me.