Thoughts on marriage and Disneyland.

Tuesday, December 29th 09 at 5:55 pm 1 comment

There are a few big regrets I have in regards to my relationship with Kristi. Most of them we don’t talk about because it will more than likely turn into hurt feelings and/or a fight. But perhaps the biggest is that I didn’t take advantage of the law before the passage of Proposition 8 last November. Somehow I had the delusion that it wouldn’t pass and that we had limitless amounts of time to get legally married. Although we live in what is perhaps the most conservative, Sarah Palin loving, cowboy filled counties in the state of California, we still live in California. And California is a state that I always thought (when I didn’t live here) was one of those really progressive places that was stuffed to all borders with gays and liberals and alternative thought. I mean, Los Angeles is full of all the bleeding heart celebrities and San Francisco is… well. Even though I saw Yes on 8 stickers and yard signs on every street we drove down, I had the idealistic vision that it was, for the most part, restricted to Kern County. Obviously though, I was painfully wrong.

It’s not that I didn’t want to get married at all. Because I did. It’s just that (other than not being convinced that time was of the essence) I wasn’t ready. I don’t quite know how to explain that in a way that it will make sense and also not paint me to be a complete asshole at the same time. I just know that I wasn’t. I wasn’t mentally prepared or mature enough, even at 24, to not be petrified by the thought. Even though I wasn’t equipped to make that step, it was still a crushing defeat, one that I did feel to my core.

However, legal limitations did not stop me from proposing to Kristi this week. It was something that I, once upon a time, did not ever think that I would do. But I’ve fallen in love with her all over again the past year and am happier than I have ever been, and it just made sense. The thought of spending the rest of my life with someone, her, made sense and wasn’t scary at all. In fact, it’s so not scary to me anymore that it’s something I want to get started on right away. I will never forget in that moment how my heart beat in my throat, how her eyes grew wet, how she kissed me a hundred times. We sat on the couch, it was just after midnight making it officially our anniversary, we had just finished watching the Dexter season finale (romantic..?) and my head was still tipsy from three glasses of cabernet sauvignon. It wasn’t quite how I had planned it out in my head for the previous three weeks – but in that moment, every plan I’d ever had ceased to matter.  The only thing that mattered was Kristi and making her happy.

I was on the phone with my mom yesterday afternoon and Kristi chimed in, “Did you tell your mom you asked me to marry you?” I caught my breath a moment. Talking with my mom about the gay things about my life makes me nervous. Even though she has changed in amazing ways since I first came out, I can still never quite tell what her reaction will be. In fact, after gay marriage was first legalised, she actually wrote me an email telling me not “to do that.”  I’m always afraid that I will get a rude response, something along the lines of “Are you sure you want to do that?” Or that she will make another comment about finding a man. Not that she necessarily says things like that anymore. But she still does every now and then say things like “..enough to make you straight.” Like, okay mom whatever. But when she heard Kristi in the background, I didn’t really have much of a choice but to tell her then. Not that I didn’t want her to know, I was just hesitant about her reaction. However, after I said that I’d asked Kristi to marry me, she was silent for a beat and then said she was so happy for us.

It made me realise that I guess I ought to give her a little bit more credit when it comes to these things. I’m not ready to give her the PFLAG award for outstanding parental support just yet though. We’re going to Arizona for a short visit in just two weeks and it will be the first time we’ve seen her since our last trip, which was almost three years ago for very good reason. The reason being that (to sum up a long, painful week) our first visit was thick with dirty looks and unfriendly comments. As I’ve said, she has come a very long way since then. But this time I refuse to not hold my girlfriend’s hand in public or to not put my arm around her sitting on the couch. So I guess the true test of her tolerance will be her reaction to seeing those things. I’m optimistic about it and don’t necessarily expect her to be insensitive towards us, however I can’t help but feel a bit nervous. After all; if you smack a dog on the snout even once, he is sure to flinch the next time you reach for him.

Earlier this month I started a new project. It’s the same thing that people do all the time – where they take a photo every day. 365 days, 365 pictures. I’m not sure why I decided to do it. Kristi is always saying that we never take enough pictures, which is true. Sure we have plenty of pictures from times we go to Disneyland or other various out of town trips we take. But we always miss the normal day to day things. Pictures of each other looking cute or doing silly things, the cats sleeping with their tongues out or something beautiful found outside. So far I’ve been at it for about two weeks, haven’t missed a day and am a few pictures ahead of the game. I’ve just been having so much fun at it. Finding something that would make an interesting picture, coming up with a little anecdote to accompany it. The link can be found over there to the right under “threesixty5ive” (stupid wordpress for not having “threesixtyfive” available).  But here’s one now anyway.

We’re going to Disneyland tomorrow to celebrate our anniversary. It’s sure to be a special and magical time. It always is, after all. Having grown up in Arizona, I’d never experienced the Magic Kingdom until after I had moved to California, which didn’t even happen until I was nineteen. So I was twenty-one before I ever felt the agony of hiking the hill to Space Mountain or was washed in that perfect, musty smell that comes when walking into Pirates of the Caribbean and Indiana Jones. Having grown up here, however, Kristi went all the time with her mom; so she isn’t quite happy unless we make the drive down to Anaheim at least twice a year. Our last visit was in April, so we’re certainly due for another. I’ve never been in the winter so I have yet to experience all the decorations, holiday treats, snow and the general excess of magical festive feelings. My primary goals for this visit remain the same as they do every time we go: purchase as many of those delicious, chocolate drizzled macaroons as I possibly can; and find Mary Poppins. I always need to find Mary Poppins. Oh, and avoid the tea cups as long as possible.

We’re starting 2010 practically perfect in every way (like Mary herself!) and I can’t wait to see where it all takes us. Officially engaged, a possible trip to New York to see my family, the momentous five year anniversary, hopefully a new house, hopefully a baby (please, oh PLEASE a baby!!), and every day filled with tenderness and heart. Happy New Year, friends. I hope you are all as happy as I am.


Entry filed under: Uncategorized. Tags: .

Saturn has a ring around you. Regarding Arizona, briefly.

1 Comment Add your own

  • 1. Kevin  |  Wednesday, December 30th 09 at 11:57 am

    This is gorgeous.

    Mutlu Yillar (happy new year in Turkish).


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